


Tiny Desk Companion Anders

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Category: Being Human (UK), The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Anders is tiny and obnoxious, Crack, Let's see if Mitchell can make him less obnoxious, M/M, Tiny Desk Companions AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 02:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14661021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: Inspired by this link:Desk Companions"Imagine having a tiny version of your favorite character as a little desk companionHanding your pencils and paperclips,Being a moral supportAnd you can pet their lil head and feed them m&ms"I think we all know that it would not work QUITE like that with Anders Johnson ....





	Tiny Desk Companion Anders

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lakritzwolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/gifts).



> A bit of crack Islandkate and me whipped up for the ever wonderful Lakritzwolf!

“And you’re sure about your choice?” the magician asked.

Cora nodded. “Yes, I want Anders.”

“You are very sure about this?”

“Get on with it man!”

Cora crossed her arms. Seriously. Did that man want her hard earned money or not? With a sigh, the magician entered the details of her order into the tablet.

“Anders Johnson.” He repeated. “From the show ‘The Almighty Johnsons.’ The version without the beard. Your desk companion will be ready within two weeks.”

“Thank you.” Cora put her card into the machine.

Desk companions were much more affordable these days then they were when she was younger.

She had long resisted the idea. She was a writer, she did not need the distraction of a tiny companion running around her desk and house.

Only, she found she did. When her husband was at work, her children at school, it did get a bit lonely at home. So after her husband encouraged her gently, she had driven to the nearest town (two hours away, seriously, part of the loneliness was the shithole they decided to buy a house in), she had found the local desk companion provider. “Companion Cove” it called itself.

Two weeks later she drove back, full of anticipation. She had used the time to get a little house for Anders and to sew and knit a wardrobe of fine bespoke suits for him. Her children could hardly wait as well. Desk companions were way cooler than pets. Though they still wanted a dog. A really big one, they were the gentlest with tiny companions. 

And then she parked her car right in front of the shop. This parking spot was surely serendipitous.

As she entered, the wizard in charge greeted her with an exasperated smile. “Well my dear, you got what you ordered. He came to life a week ago and since then, he has been to companion school in the capital with the others. He is as ready to be taken home as he ever will be.”

And there, sitting on a small couch on the countertop was Anders. Or rather, slouching on the couch.

He eyed Cora. “Pretty enough,” he conceded, “But I had hoped for somebody younger.”

“They still would not be your size,” the wizard grumbled. “Now, I leave you two to get acquainted, and if Anders has no objections, you can take him home in two hours.”

That was the drawback. Companions were sentient. If they decided they did not like the person who had ordered them, they had a right to refuse.

Even though Anders groaned when Cora told him about her job as a writer (“So you write PR texts?” “No, Romance novels.” “Are you serious?”) and her family (“Seriously? Husband and three kids and a house in the countryside? That’s what you call a life?”) and she could not promise him that her neighbours had hot companions or that there were any rad bars nearby, he decided to go with her - a bit to her surprise really.

*

Of course, Anders was bored. Desk companions were supposed to be helpful little creatures. They were not designed to be slaves to humans, but usually they were designed to be a bit more helpful than their originals, less ambitious for themselves. Only with Anders that had clearly not worked.

Anders refused to do anything useful. Instead of helping Cora get on with her writing, he did everything to distract her. Once he figured out how much Cora liked the bum of his model, he took to striding around naked. Once he climbed Cora’s monitor to moon her while she was focusing on an intensely emotional scene.

Another time he was striding along the desk, his tiny penis swinging, when Cora’s little daughter burst into the room. She inspected his anatomy with some interest, before Anders’ noticed her and hastily put his tiny hands on his crotch.

She turned to her mother. “He got a tiny wiener. Mom, can we have the tablet? I want listen to Aerosmith now.”

Cora nodded, amused by Anders’ sudden bout of shyness. As if her daughter had never seen her dad naked before.

Undeterred by the prospect of a possibly naked companion roaming her mother’s desk, the little girl continued bursting in. One night he leapt behind Cora’s hand to hide and the child put down her Barbie to pat his head. Anders looked at the boobs. He watched the little girl leave, satisfied with whatever her mother had said and oblivious of the forgotten toy.

As Cora went back to typing, he went over and sat on the Barbie. ‘Would it work like a blow up doll?’ He thought. He was going to find out.

Several days later, Anders interrupted an intense smut scene between two gladiators to demand another Barbie. Frustrated, Cora huffed at him. He tried to Bragi her. She stared at him then laughed.

He looked aghast, “The power of my voice compels you…”

“Smite me.”

In retrospect, that might have been a bit too much. Anders retreated to the dollhouse and refused to come out. No amount of coaxing or flattery satisfied him. Day after day, nothing changed, until they realized all the Barbies had disappeared.

It was time for an intervention. With the help of her husband, Cora gently pried the dollhouse open. No one could have been prepared for the state of it. Barbies in every position. Some she had to take pictures of to remember for future smut. Some that she just couldn’t believe were possible. And there in the middle of that Naked Barbie Woodstock, Anders lay passed out. Somehow, he had gotten a beer bottle with just enough dregs in the bottom to do for him and shoved the neck through a window like a makeshift tap.

“That’s it!” Cora wailed.

Anders opened one tiny, bleary eye.

“I’m getting a tiny Mikkel to keep an eye on you!”

Anders paled.

Cora let him sleep it off.

The next day, Anders was on his best behavior. He read over her shoulder. He was unsurprisingly good at helping write smut. He was also good at keeping her motivated. Her own little cheerleader, waving a pair of pom poms made by the little girl. She had completely forgiven him for the barbies. Apparently his Bragi power worked on very small children.

He slyly began suggesting alternatives to Mikkel. Reading her Skype and tumblr, he quickly realized how much she disliked that particular Johnson brother. Then he figured out she didn’t always ship Anders with females. Oh, boy...

*

After much nagging by Anders, Cora and her husband did the maths and decided that they could afford another desk companion. It was quite usual for people to get a second desk companion, usually suited to their original desk companion’s character, often a friend or family member from the work they were based on.

Of course, in Anders’ case he purposefully left pages of “the 10 hottest female celebrities” open on Cora’s computer and tablet.

When Cora went back to Companion Cove, the wizard immediately recognized her. “There you are! I have already looked into possibilities of rehoming Anders, obviously he’s not suited as a desk companion, but he seems quite smart, so there might be an opportunity for him in …”

She interrupted him. “I don’t want to get rid of him! He just needs a companion.”

“A companion?” He eyed her suspiciously. “Look, we will not create a sex toy for your desk toy, that would be highly unethical.”

She waved her hand. “Oh, that is what he wants of course, I’ve got other plans …”

10 minutes later, the wizard frowned at his screen, looking over the info on the particular character she requested.

“They might work together. Just. You are aware he’s a vampire, right?”

She huffed. “Do I look stupid?”

The wizard wisely decided not to answer that.

“So - there are rules regarding this. Obviously, your existing desk companion is not at risk, being supernatural as well and otherwise we could have immunized him. However, if the information I have here is correct,” he scanned it again, “this vampire does not want to be a vampire.”

“The show is called ‘Being Human.’”

“Precisely. So, unfortunately, when we recreate him, he will be a vampire and seeing as you are the one responsible for his creation, you will have to give your blood.”

“I researched that. It is just like a mosquito bite, right?”

“Right. We will also give you a potion, which you have to drink every day. This will make sure that after around three months of drinking our blood, he will have become human.”

“But … what about Bragi’s voice?”

“Oh don’t worry.” The old man chuckled. “He won’t lose his powers, just his bloodlust and his immortality.”

“Perfect.”

*

Mitchell was indeed perfect and much easier than Anders when she picked him up. No derogatory comments about her lifestyle. Instead he asked her questions about her family (“Three small kids? Brilliant!”) and about her books, all along wearing that brilliant smile.

A smile that changed to a frown when Anders first words were: “What is this? Where are the tits? Why did you bring me a guy?”

Anders holed up in the dollhouse again. Somehow, he acquired a mini-bottle of vodka and rigged up another window tap. He dragged a chair next to it and sulked himself into the bender of a lifetime, even his.

It was Mitchell that found him, bit him, and drained much of the alcohol from his blood before he could die. All he could do after that was sit there and watch the little asshole sleep it off. That just made the tiny brunet more and more angry as time passed. Even more so because he was eventually so tired that he had to lie down next to Anders, effectively taking him in his arms to make them both comfortable.

Waking up in the arms of a furious vampire was nowhere on Anders’ bucket list. No matter how hot said vampire might be. And worse, said vamp was now yelling.

“How could he do that to Cora? We could be taken away! She could be banned from ever having another! Do you know what happens to companions who can’t be re-homed?”

Anders’ tiny wiener stirred. No wonder she shipped him with this guy. He was freaking hot when he got wound up.

“They find a better place,” he protested weakly.

“And if they don’t?” Mitchell tore at his own hair, still scowling furiously.

Anders moaned, whether because of his hangover or his growing arousal he could not say.

Mitchell pinched him. Lightly. “Oy, mate. Cora might get banned by the Companion Cove and she seems a very sweet lady.”

“A very sweet lady who lives in a shithole of a place.” Anders tried to make puppy eyes, but the hangover removed his filters.

“It is our job to make her life here better,” Mitchell said, sitting up and glaring down at Anders.

“Point taken, point taken.” Anders lifted up his hands as if in defeat. “We got off on the wrong foot. Let’s start again. Hi, I’m Anders.”

“Mitchell.”

“I knew that.”

That clearly threw Mitchell off track.

“You did?”

Anders smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. “I live with her. You’re one of her favourites. Not the favourite though, that would be me.”

“I really cannot see how.” Mitchell was pouting now. 

Seeing the vampire softening, Anders sat up too, doing his best to smile despite the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm him.

“I can be very charming.”

“Are you trying to flirt with me? Despite my lack of tits?” Mitchell huffed, “I did not come here to be your consolation sex toy.”

Anders snuggled against his dark-haired rescuer. “Can we discuss this when it’s not so early?” He yawned for emphasis.

Mitchell shifted his blond burden, which it was clear he was going to be, and got comfortable. “You can apologize to Cora for being a dick. Then, maybe, I’ll consider whether or not you are charming.” Ugh. He was going to have to ask for a bigger bed.

Both drifted back to sleep within minutes.

***

In the morning, Anders was still hungover and there were dark circles under his beautiful eyes. But once they had heard the children leave for school, he stumbled out of the doll house, waiting for Cora to come to the office.

And much to everyone’s surprise, he managed a decent apology. Which Cora accepted, of course. Who could resist a hungover and contrite Anders? Not her.

Mitchell was a harder nut to crack, but when Anders helped him to properly move into his own section of the doll house, cracking jokes all the time, his mighty scowl began to fade.

Contrary to Anders, Mitchell was actually eager to help Cora. He was sitting next to the computer, by the tablet ready to jump into a research for her. Or to discuss a tangly plot point with her. And while she was concentrating, he was happy to listen to music on his tiny phone.

Anders meanwhile was sulking in the dollhouse. 

But he also laid out the dining table and made some tea. Mitchell looked like the kind of guy who liked tea.

Once Cora was gone to the kitchen to cook dinner, Anders popped out again to invite Mitchell in for tea. 

It was Mitchell’s first proper day as a desk companion, so he was grateful for the tea. And the fluffy bath towel Anders had found for him.

The next morning, the sight that greeted Mitchell when he opened the door of his room was Anders’ naked butt.

It was a nice butt, Mitchell had to admit. Not a bad sight to be greeted with in the mornings.

So he refrained from shouting at Anders.

It became a habit of Anders, to strut around butt naked in their tiny house.

Mitchell complained to Cora, who nearly choked on her coffee. But told him to talk to Anders if it bothered him or just appreciate the gift that was Anders’s butt.

Anders had overheard the last bit, and once Cora was gone once again to cook dinner (she promised tiny apple pancakes), he ambled out of the house naked.

Mitchell quickly rushed towards him and shoved him back into the house.

“Anders! The children!”

Anders chuckled. “As if they’d walk into here if there mother is not here.”

“Still.” Mitchell crossed his arms and frowned. “Why do you hate clothes.”

Anders, the cheeky bastard, wiggled his bum. “Does it bother you?”

*** ~ months later ~ ***

Mitchell rolled over in the popsicle stick bed that children had made to celebrate his relationship with Anders. (Apparently, Cora had been quite pleased and gleefully spread the news across the internet.) He smiled and playfully smacked the perfect little ass sleeping next to him on the butt.

Anders woke up groggy and horny. But despite his attempts to wheedle morning sex from Mitchell, the brunet was already out of bed and surveying the neighborhood from the window.

Cora’s office had been transformed into a miniature village. Mitchell and Anders lived in the original doll house. Next to them were Ty and Dawn.

Annie, George and Nina were next to Ty and Dawn. Together, they inspired many dramatic domestic scenes. And were most often on babysitting duty. Cora’s children loved having *their* new companions around.

Dawn also had her tiny desk next to Cora’s computer. She really was the ideal desk companion. Smart, dependable, and organized. Also, she excelled at keeping the other companions in line.

Anders continued being Anders. Abrasive, often selfish and frequently inappropriate. Mitchell had worse mood swings than a teenager and would often brood. Why, nobody knew. But, as the wizard had promised, he was not a vampire anymore. Bragi’s voice still did not work on him. And whenever Anders’ tried it on somebody else, Mitchell would intervene, there would be an almighty fight and then everybody would avoid being too close to their house. Mitchell still had the stamina of an immortal and makeup sex was louder than fighting.


End file.
